Why? Well you see, as most of you know, this movie sucks. And as such i felt i needed to "audit" the video to "verify" its shittyness. cause ive been reading these hilarious articals about this movie and i wondered...could it really be that bad? maybe...but you must understand. i love bad movies. i watch bad movies all the time. they're kind good in some weird way. when i watch a movie, i dont take what i think it should be like into consideration. i just take it for what it is and see how entertained i am by it. some movies are almost aware that they're bad. and its a different kind of bad...trust me...
twlight was not this kind of bad.
ive been struggling with how to describe how bad this movie is to you. i have a pretty big vocabulary, but i can't summon words extreme enough to do justice to this movie. kinda weird that im talking about doing justice to a movie so criminal that even using its title in a sentence should be a felony but i want you to understand what i mean.....what movie would the average mindcreature reader (i wonder how many people have stumbled across this page...) like? OH SHIT I KNOW
alright, so take for example, the dark knight. that movie was bomb. so bomb. when i saw that mmovie i had really really really high expectations. and my buddy told me that no matter how high my expectations were for that movie, the dark knight will shatter them. so when i say i had high expectations for that movie, i really did. so when i finally saw that movie and it did just that....lets just say the babaloos are no joke.
You got knocked the fuck out
Twilight was the EXACT opposite of that. For anyone that hasnt seen this movie, no, you have no idea how bad this movie is. none. none at all. many times during this rant ive considered burying my face in my hands and sobbing at my own inability to adequately warn you, weep at my own vocabularic impotence and cry for all the little girls who will have any sort of memory attached to this steamy pile. its really hard for me to accurately describe this dung heap but i'll try. Im gunna have to go through every bit of shit to tell you cause its so heavy on the mind....i need to get it OUT!!!! its AAAHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*Phew*
I lost my self there for minute. *Ahem* So aside from all the things you've heard about (sparkly vampires) this movie had so many more tricks up its sleeve to ensure its guano trophy ownership. this movie was like a trifecta of crap. it had bad direction. bad acting, and writing screen and the other thing...plot? this movie didnt have that guy either or he was doing A LOT of peyote. i know thats 4 but fuck you. anyway first the acting. no facial expressions and no variation of tone in the voice....pretty much not acting. i cant really say much more about this than to state the fact that these people refused to behave like anything. I've seen better acting from plants.
Luke, I'm not your father - I'm your fiance.
Luke, I'm not your father - I'm your fiance.The direction was along side this, once in a while you'd see some direction attempts to actually suppress any attempted acting on any of the main characters parts. Yeah, i know, they were just about to act....and then you could almost hear the director telling the dude to be more "dark", and telling the girl to be more "vacant". this manifested itself on screen with the two actors having the same tone, same face etc. speaking of tone. this chick!!!!! WTF!!!!!
How the fuck did this director think it was ok to have the main character speak in monotone. i swear to god i hear more variation in pitch in a 1999 stephen hawking speech program. lets have our main character sound the same during her monologues to drive home that shes sad on the inside......wait she isnt sad on the inside either! shes nothing! this is so hard to write about simply because theres nothing to write about. how can i write about a character whose only trait is vacancy? how can i write about a character whose only straight is sparkly skin. ok i can write about that.
so let me illustrate a scene. bella thinks the dudes a vampire, and is responsible for killing the shit out of lots of people, so she then lures him into a forest walking by him angrily. then they discuss the vampireness in what is by far the worst set of lines ive ever heard delievered, more poorly executed than could be imagined by the mind that conceived it. he tries to convince her that hes a monster and is bad and shes like i dont care!!! of course this is based on a developing relationship between characters and true love (ROFLCOPTER DOWN!!!!). so hes like you know what bitch imma show you how monstrous i am. and he takes her and he uses his super speed to go to the top of the mountrain and out of the overcast and into the sunlight, because overcast means theres no sunlight in the valley. then hes like i'll show you.....and then he stands in the light and all this music starts to swell and he opens his shirt, all in this one ray of sunlight, and slowly turns towards her and sparkles. thats right. the author took out the only thing tha tmakes a vampire a fucking vampire and replaced it with the visual presentation of a chorus of angels going AAaaaAAAaaAAAaaaaaaaa - girls proceed spontaneously give birth. you know, i wanted to go into more of this but its hard to talk about characterless characters. so i think imma head out, oh wait, the plot sucked, i can talk about that. or rather....the lack thereof..
So theres no plot. and when i say theres no plot, i mean that for half the film, there are random scenes strung together by the characters themselves. what do i mean? the dude would show up, and be like....you dont like me!!! im bad!!!
you suck!!!
we shouldnt be friends!!
now im gunna be nice
i wanna grind you up and shoot you through my veins!
you know, typical high school bullshit. and shes all like wtf why are you watching me while i sleep and hes like poof im gone (she doesnt ask why actualy, she just accepts it) . and then shes like w.e then he sees her in class and theres a fan on and then he jizzes his pants. and then he doesnt suck blood cause hes a vegetarian and eats animals and stops a car from crushing her. and then shes like yo you got powers and hes like no i dont, then shes like yeah you do, then hes like no i dont. and then shes like i dont care if you're a vampire and then hes like but i might kill you and eat you and then shes when life gives you lemons, you die. and then later in the movie shes about to die and hes like i gotta suck on you so you dont die but i cant but i gotta but i cant stop mid way, its builds and builds and you just cant stop till you reach the summit, and then joseph smith shows up and is like yo its alright, i could do it but for some reason we're gunna make you do it, dont stay inside her too long cause its hard to stop midway and then he pulls out before he climaxes saving her virginity in the process.
Thats the plot whether you know it or not. I leave you with some sillyness.
More like bags full of awesome. EDIT:
WTF!!!!!!!!!!
what the hell is the world smoking?
http://www.metacritic.com/film/titles/twilight2008?q=twilight holy shit wtf
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