On Orphan

wtf. i paid money to see this shit? this is what i get for trusting my sisters taste in horror movies. like. ok im gunna actually talk about the movie this time.

part 1: the shit that was well done

so its starts off with the scariest scene in the movie, some bitch (who we later realise is the main character) rolls up into a hospital and her husband is all logical and concerned 'n shit since shes walking but really if he cared he woulda got her a fucking rolly-chair for her pregoass in the first place instead of make the bitch walk to the counter while he talks to the nurse 'n shit. what a shitface. anyway nurse pulls up a wheelchair for her and she sits down, and oh shit she starts moaning in pain 'n stuff since shes in labour. so she gets pushed around and then they show her broken water dripping. but oh shit its blood! lots of it! so that was pretty unimaginitive, but the colour of the blood was really well done so it was a cool scene, kudos to the effects team. she gets into the delivery room and everyone is shady as fuck. so we know fucked up stuff is going on, anyway, she gives birth to a still born child and its all bloody and crunchy sounding. good scene, but it was all down hill from there. OH, and it was a dream, didnt fucking happen, bitch wakes up and its the future. i think it might be a parallell future similar to bizzarro world where comedy is horror, vice versa, and i am 5 times funnier than eddie murphy and 3.3 times better looking than johnny depp.

part 2 of my rant: everything that was wrong with the movie

so the husband and wife have two kids, a deaf daughter and a typical son, i dont know which is worse (oh no he didnt!!!!). so after wife births out the corpse kid shes all distraught and decides to adopt a kid, the dad is on board with this since hes like wicked new kid im a rich architect and she can raise em. so they go to a creepy orphanage where they meet this creepy russian orphan girl who paints cartoony, but slightly creepy pictures (kudos to whoever decided to have her paint the paintings that were shown). they like the kid, find out she doesnt like when people touch her ribbons, and they leave after picking up a new kid like a puppy from pj pets. so they get home , freaky shit starts going down. but not freaky in the omen sense, freaky in the...its not freaky at all sense. little girl starts manipulating people into getting what she wants, kids are mean to her, and she fucks them up. anyway, when i say this movie sucks, i dont think you believe me, so i'll illustrate a scene.

so previously, there was a little girl at school who makes fun of the orphans clothing. orphans like bitch how dare you, imma kill your ass later (she thinks this, doesnt say this). so later on orphan goes to the park with her new parents 'n shit and rando mean girl is there for plot purposes, shes by herself which is also stupid cause shes like what...10? where the fuck are her parents - way to go writers and director. anyway, the camera follows the little girl around and the lighting is made to be dimmer than what a real snow covered day looks like, extra dark wood to give you the heeby jeebies as you watch the little girl go up the jungle gym and make her way towards the slide. so all the while theres this scary ass music playing as you watch this girl go to the slide, and she looks like shes afraid 'n shit. of what? what could she possibly be afraid of? orphan girl hasnt done anything yet, and pedobear is no where to be seen. so what is she scared of? fucking nothing, this director sucks. told the actress to look scared for the sake of it being a horror movie and he wants to scare the crowd. but the shit for brains doesnt realise that nothing scary is actually happening on screen so he tries to scare you with dark wood and tension chords played by strings. oOoOoOoOoOoOo im so fucking scared. anyway, orphan pops out and pushes the little girl down the slide and she breaks her leg. lol

movie continues, and all the scary scenes are like that, nothing scary is happening BUT queue scary music, and cue dim lighting, cause THATS what horror is all about, right guys?

anyway, movie continues to suck and then after the mom investigates, she finds out the orphan is actually a 35 year old estonian psychopath who rolls around getting adopted, fucking up the families relationships, trying to seduce the father, and then killing everyone after the father doesnt wanna fuck a girl he thought was his daughter. so basically the bitch is a psycho homewrecker, in the body of a 10 year old. cause she has a disease. this at first , seems like a great twist, but then it makes the end of the movie suck more than it would have in the first place. instead of it being a psycho kid killing people (which people find scary), its just a tiny crazy bitch trying to steal her husband. (which people dont find scary). you know what other shitty movie has a similar premise? the one with beyonce and the girl from heroes who dies and comes back as a sister to the dead one she was already playing. and well know how bad the writing is in heroes...anyway, everything about this movie does suck, ive only given you a taste of the level of suckatude this movie contains, like the relationship problems between husband and wife, the son, and the overall direction of the movie. this director doesnt know his head from a bowl of pudding. everything is his fault. do you have any idea how funny this movie actually was? i wanna get stoned and watch this piece of crap. on second thought, thats a waste of weed. anyway dont see this. 1/5.

ps, i'll edit my spelling later you fucking nazis.